I have this battle raging inside of me. Like a never-ending war where no matter what I do, the war will not be won or lost. My entire life, I have been a Christian. I grew up in the church, first a Catholic, then a Baptist, then a non-denominational, then a Methodist, then back to Baptist, and so forth. I have changed churches about 9 times in my life. Sometimes due to moving to a new city or a new part of town, other times to try something new, and once because the church wasn’t able to meet a need I had. A “need” that I had. I have also tried countless other churches in search of something that fit me.
It wasn’t until very recently that I started praying very hard for God to open my eyes. To show me my sins in a radical way. We just had our third child and I have been having lots of alone time being awake at 2 AM holding the baby. During this alone time, I have been reading…a lot, and praying. I still struggle just being still for God. But God has shown me way more than I was expecting.
It occurred to me that I am an American Christian in the purest sense of the term. Despite all the warnings, the reading, listening and watching, I turned God into who I wanted him to be. I got this satisfaction of pride when I went to the grocery store and would donate a dollar to whatever charity it was that they were supporting at the time. I believed that to be a better Christian, I needed to attend the right church, the right group, the right classes, or the right volunteer event.
It wasn’t until I started reading a book by one of my favorite pastors, Radical by David Platt, that I realized why I had this constant longing for something different. Something real. Not a place where I can go to fulfill some selfishness that I have deep down inside of me. I feel that American church is so far from what God has intended that the devil has taken over and managed to make church all about self. Is the music good? Is the pastor good? Are the people “like me”? Is it close to home? Do they have a good kids program? Years and years ago I started documenting how if I ever became a pastor, I would change the church. I had no real understanding of what it meant to pastor a church but all I knew is that I wasn’t happy with the types of churches that I had been attending. Today, if I were to walk into any number of churches, almost all of them would have the exact same structure and feel. Almost all of them start with music, then some announcements, then a message, and end in music again. As I read this book, I realized why my desires are never going to be satisfied living the normal American Christian life.
At this point in my life, I make really good money, enough to afford a great house, a couple of cars, provide for our family of 5 with 2 dogs, have a significant amount of money in savings, and a 401k account that continues to grow. I couldn’t help but to wonder “why”. Why do I do all of this? Why do I have this desire to save, save, save and build, build, build? Why do I need to have some huge sum of cash saved up for when I retire? I definitely understand there are some Biblical aspects to having money saved for hard times, but I’m 34 and the amount of money we have in savings blows my mind. Through a long conversation with my brother-in-law that is about 10 years older than me, I learned that these feelings of “why” don’t go away.
Reading this book, along with 4 or 5 others has dramatically shifted my viewpoint on life. I have been a slave to consumerism for a long time. I told myself I wasn’t and I really don’t buy a ton of stuff, but when I do want something, I buy it. And through this time of crazy devotion, God has opened my eyes and made me almost hate stuff. I watch commercials and the products being advertised drive me to rage. I watch my kids fight over the toys they have been given and it breaks my heart. I’m tired of Amazon, and Walmart, and Kohls, and the burning desire inside of me to want things. The other day I watched a guy driving a BMW SUV staring at his cell phone for about 2 miles on the highway. I was so mad, but not at him, at myself. I had become “that guy”. My soul grows weary with this burning passion to not only have the one thing that I decided I needed to have but to find it at a discount. I would use all these different tools and tricks to find the best deal I could on whatever it was that I was longing for. For whatever reason, I thought that spending less on something made me a better Christian because at least I didn’t pay full price for the item. So I would spend countless hours searching for the best of whatever it was I was buying at the cheapest price.
This book also made me realize that I am so far away from what God intended me to be that I feel shameful even calling myself a Christian. Do I believe Jesus died and rose again? Yes. Do I believe there is a God? Yes. Do I believe God created me for his glory? Yes. Do I do everything for God’s glory? No.
Which brings me to the question, do I need to prove that I love God? Can I just say that I love God, isn’t that enough? Can I just believe that I love God, isn’t that enough? Sacrificing time to learning more about God, that’s enough, right? But what about sacrificing finances, isn’t that enough? Okay, I can sacrifice some time, and some finances, but anything else is just asking too much. Then I look at the people that give up everything to go preach the gospel to the unreached in remote villages and are literally risking their lives. My mind is humbled.
The book goes on to describe this scene of David Platt traveling to Asia to meet with believers in a secret church. He terms it a secret church because if anyone found out that they were meeting, they could all be put to death. To get to the church, they put a black hoodie on him, shoved him in a car, told him not to look up, they would have to switch cars again to not look suspicious, drive around until it was dark, and then quickly move to the meeting place once they arrived. These people shared stories about how in their villages, members of their church were taken, kidnapped or killed, because someone found out they were following Jesus. Now that is sacrifice. These people, although risking their lives, spent as much time as possible with David to learn as much as they could about the Bible. They would spend 8+ hours a day just asking questions, looking verse by verse to uncover the true meaning. They let their crops go without being attended to for weeks just so they could spend time learning everything they could about the Bible. Once again, sacrifice. These people are so filled with the Holy Spirit, they are willing to risk their lives to share the gospel.
I am absolutely worthless about sharing my faith with others, sharing the gospel in general, holding others accountable, sacrificing really anything, and especially loving my neighbors. I spent 9 months in a class dedicated to learning more about God and the Bible, doing countless hours of reading, writing, listening, and watching and to walk away believing that I was pleasing God by doing it. Don’t get my wrong, I do believe I was pleasing God spending time with him and learning more about him, but I had my whole world flipped upside down when I read the first chapter of Radical.
Not only am I so far from where God wants me to be, I feel as if I haven’t truly felt God moving in my life for years. At one point, I told my wife I felt like God had abandoned me. I just felt lost, clueless, like I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. I read the Bible almost every day with my son but then I see his reactions when his sister takes his toy and I’m at a loss. And recently he has decided that he doesn’t want to pray anymore, or at least he doesn’t want to pray with me before bed. I can’t help but to think that at least some part of his behavior is because of my leadership of the household.
At this same time, I am reading Climbing with Abraham by David Ramos. If you aren’t familiar with the story of Abraham, he is an old testament fellow that God calls to sacrifice his only son after waiting 90+ years for God to give him a son. God promised that his son would become the king of many nations. Abraham had to stop and wonder why God would call him to sacrifice his son after telling him that his son would be king of many nations. It was likely because Abraham had been so fond of his son, that he used his son as a replacement for God. So God called Abraham to sacrifice his son to prove that he really loved God more and to trust that God would be true to his word and that after the sacrifice his son would be reborn and ultimately become the king of many nations. Abraham takes his son to the alter, is about to take his life and then is stopped by God just before he kills his son. Abraham chose God over his family.
So where does that leave me? I believe God is calling me to do great things and either bring my family along with me or provide for them while I am doing what God has called me to do. Another person that is quickly becoming an inspiration for me is Billy Graham. I am currently reading through Hope for Each Day Morning and Evening Devotional by him. If you aren’t familiar with Billy Graham, he traveled the world preaching the good news of Jesus Christ. He had a wife and kids that he would frequently leave behind for weeks or months at a time, all to advance Christianity in places that desperately needed it. Does this mean I am planning on leaving my family and kids behind while I go travel the world on mission trips? I think my hope and dreams would be that we all go on mission trips together. I believe our kids are too young now but my prayer is that some day, we will all experience a different kind of life. One that is less drawn to possessions, status, how much money we have in the bank, the perfect tv stand or lamp or picture, or the perfect church for me. I hope to inspire a new generation of churches. One that isn’t so focused on comfortable chairs, how the worship music sounds, or how convicting the sermon is. I want to inspire real change, one that takes the focus off of self, and puts it on others and the love of Jesus. And by the power of God, I want to redefine what it means to be an American Christian. How will I do all of this? Only God knows.