Postpartum (Part 3 of Birth Story Series)

Shortly before our first child was born, a friend of mine had told me to watch out for postpartum depression. I didn’t really know what he was talking about and was quick to forget that he even mentioned it because my wife has never suffered from depression before, at least to my knowledge at the time. And then with our first child, my wife spent 27 hours in labor. She wanted to do an all natural birth in a hospital but her water broke early which led us down the rabbit hole of meds and an epidural. Needless to say, it did not go as planned. The night she went into labor, there were a lot of other women also in labor and they ended up putting us in an overflow room. They had me sleeping on a raggedy old cot bed and my wife was on a bed used for immobile people and so it would automatically move every 30 minutes or so, preventing us from getting any real sleep. On top of that, our son had some terrible reflux and instead of burp cloths, we legitimately used full baby blankets for his spit up. With reflux comes many restless nights.

My wife has always been a planner and when you have a baby, there are lots of unknowns which put her way out of her element. I, on the other hand, am much more flexible and go with the flow. If a baby isn’t sleeping, keep them up for a little while and then when they seem tired, put them back down. But my wife was adamant about a routine and if they didn’t sleep every 2 hours, she immediately felt that night time was going to go terrible, thus leading to extreme anxiety. Combine this anxiety with discovering that she has MRSA (a type of staph infection) and that my son contracted MRSA, and you have a recipe for disaster. Take all of that and layer on a terrible case of mastitis, which led to surgery and multiple additional trips to a doctor’s office. For a solid 3 months, it was a complete disaster. I’m pretty sure I threatened to leave her at one point, she mentioned she felt like running away from it all, I called her crazy on more than one occasion, we were slamming doors around the house, cussing at each other on a frequent basis, and frankly I didn’t want to fight anymore.

One night we were both in tears and just got to talking and I said I didn’t feel like she loved me anymore. It’s crazy, because at that point, we had been together for about 10 years, hardly ever fought, and one short period of stress put our relationship at risk. But I think we both realized that life couldn’t continue in the fashion it had been going. I tried to listen to my wife but everything she was saying was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do.

She was adamant about breastfeeding which led to mastitis, lots of stress, and surgery. I wanted her to give up breastfeeding and switch to formula.

I wanted to give him bottles to give her some additional sleep at night, she said pumping was just as much work and if I gave him a bottle, she would still have to pump because she was fearful that if she didn’t pump, she would lose her milk supply.

We had to keep him on such a strict schedule that it really limited anything we could do. It was difficult, if not impossible, to ever go to a friend’s house, or out to eat, or church because it would interrupt “the schedule”. I wanted to be flexible and let the baby tell us when it was time to eat or sleep, not force it on him.

Neither of us had ever been parents before but my knowledge of caring for babies was minimal, so I assumed she had to know more than me. All of these conflicting parenting styles, with all of the stress, my helplessness and the lack of sleep led her into a deep, dark hole. But in those moments, I honestly didn’t realize what was transpiring in front me. My wife had slipped into what ~600,000 other women in the US experience each year. Postpartum depression is sneaky, even with a blunt warning before our baby was even born, I still missed all of the signs. The constant extreme fatigue, sense of failure and inadequacy, overly concerned about the baby, always thinking negatively, withdrawing from social interactions, lashing out/blaming loved ones, as well as many other signs.

So what do you do? Depression is probably the scariest thing in the world to me. Maybe because I’ve witnessed it first hand on numerous occasions. I dated a girl that was bi-polar, I have numerous friends that hurt themselves due to depression, and now the person that I thought I knew better than anybody else is in a deep depression. To this day I am still trying to figure out what to do when someone is in the midst of it or even what “triggers” it. Are there triggers for depression? If so, do I do everything in my power to prevent those situations from someone that has historically suffered from depression or do I push those situations on them?

After our talk, we both realized she needed help. Our local church offered counseling and so my wife decided to give it a try. Unfortunately at the time it was crazy expensive for us to afford too many sessions so she could not go as frequently as she liked. Our insurance offered free sessions with certain therapists but after trying a couple my wife just said they all lacked something (Jesus). So she continued to go to the therapist at our church and the turnaround became noticeable very quickly. Around that same time, our son started sleeping a little better which I’m sure played into it as well. In the thick of all this, my father in law gave me some guidance to “just stick by her side no matter what”. I took that to heart and it was the exact advice I needed for the moment.

As my wife started to show noticeable improvements in her attitude and mental state, it gave me the ability to shift my focus from doing everything possible to prevent her from slipping deeper into depression, to focusing some on my son. To be with him and not just taking him to give my wife a break. I was able to enjoy the moments when he’d smile or roll over or I’d accidentally drop my phone on him while he was sleeping on me and not constantly have to be looking over my shoulder in fear that I may have accidentally woke him.

After our first child we had 2 more kids. With each kid comes a new set of challenges but more importantly, with each child brings the possibility of another round of depression, thus increasing my anxiety and fear. I am not someone that can easily identify my limits. I push myself and push myself trying to be super dad or super husband, and for the most part I think I do an ok job. But then it happens, I snap. I pushed myself too far and don’t have or feel any warning signs. Sometimes it’s a dog that sets me off, a kid, or my wife. And it doesn’t happen often but when it does, the volume of my voice increases to a roar and I become very demanding and I come up with some pretty crazy stuff. One time I started taking every single toy my son had and started putting them in the garage because I said we were getting rid of all of them. I even yelled at him to help me. Another time I put my son in the bath tub fully clothed because he wouldn’t calm down and I passed my breaking point.

Through my first two kids, I rarely relied on God. I tried to do most things on my own and although the kids are good and well, I was a mess. With our third, I am way more prepared. Noise cancelling headphones go a long way. But most importantly, with all the alone and awake times, I prepared myself for a lot of praying and a lot of reading. I’m currently reading 4 devotionals, the Bible, and a book called Save Me From Myself by the guitarist from a band called Korn about his transformation from being in a crazy rock band to following Jesus. I’m not going to say that this newborn phase has gone perfectly, but it has been much more about God than the previous ones.

Here are the devotionals I’m reading:

1. God is with you every day by Max Lucado
2. Uncommon life by Tony Dungy
3. Hope for Each Day Morning and Evening Devotions by Billy Graham
4. Climbing with Abraham: 30 Devotionals to Help You Grow Your Faith, Build Your Life, and Discover God’s Calling (Testament Heroes Book 1) by David Ramos.

Lastly, here are some additional resources should you be facing a similar situation as mine or if you just want to be prepared.

• Here is a website that I helped build for the Pregnancy and Postpartum Alliance of Texas after my wife started volunteering with this organization: https://www.pphatx.org. They have lots of good resources for the mom, family, and friends.
• https://www.postpartumdepression.com/postpartum-depression-symptoms/
• https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617